You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
