I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize