Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
