is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
