Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
