Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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