Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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