I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
