I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Houston, we have a blender
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize