The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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