Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
