she woke up with a sticky ear
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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