Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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