My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
