Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
