his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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