and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
