New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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