hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
