Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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