Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
