filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
