Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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