I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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