Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
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