What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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