Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
