i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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