Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
