At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize