yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
