sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize