So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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