Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The air taste purple.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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