Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
