It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
