there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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