How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
