Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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