I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Ladies don't puke and tell
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
