Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
