I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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