he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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