he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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