You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
