I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
