If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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