I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
