I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
