I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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