Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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