Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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