Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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