One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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