It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
