I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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