i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
