She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
