my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
the raccoons are back...
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