You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
