She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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