i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
