i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
