she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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