I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
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