bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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