Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
