I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
