If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
