You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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