I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
