she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
