Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
